There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
"A Parent’s Prayer"
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,
Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!
– David Axton
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
"Messy Room"
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
– Shel Silverstein
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!