Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.

What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.

Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

Chuck Norris' email address:
Gmail@chucknorris.com

What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.

There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.

What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?

What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?

He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.

I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.

When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.

I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.

It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.

What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”

“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”

Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.

That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted

A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.

He lived to the ripe old age of 96.

He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.

My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.

What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."

It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”

I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.

What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.

Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.

Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,

“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”

When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.

I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."

"Put Up With Me"

I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!

– Holly Giffers

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.

There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]

Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?