"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.