"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
"Sweet Treat Dream"
If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.
We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.
Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.
Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.
But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!
– Gillian M. Ward
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."