There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.