Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.
His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.
As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.
For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.
- Max Scratchman