Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.

It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.

Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.

I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.

It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.

I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.

(Martin Dejnicki)

I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.

It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”

My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”

Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.

"Tom Tigercat"

Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.

Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.

– J. Patrick Lewis

What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!

(Larry Huggins)

When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.

An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.

Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.

Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'

If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75

Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.

What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes

Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.

A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

"Bed in Summer"

In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.

I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.

And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.

There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'

According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.

It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.

Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.

Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!

It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!

Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!

"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.

(Kim Merryman)

There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.

You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.

You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack

A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.