Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?

Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.

This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.

Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.

Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)

(Laura E. Richards)

One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?

"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.

How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?

How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!

There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.

There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.

Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.

Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.

Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.

What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”

Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.

Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers!

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!

My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.

Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.

(E.B White)

It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.

I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.

What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?

Have it killed and then cran-bury it.

How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.

"Granddad's Got Hair"

Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.

Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."

– Graham Craven

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!

(Kristin Frederick)

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.