Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.