How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!
(by Robert Z)
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.