There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)