Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.