My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!