Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.