Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile