Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.