A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally