Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.