You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
"If I Were In Charge Of The World"
If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.
If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.
If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.
If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.
– Judith Viorst
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.