Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”