What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
"A Parent’s Prayer"
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,
Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!
– David Axton
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?
At Pranksgiving.
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc