A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.

A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."

Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.

My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!

Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.

There once was a colour named orange,

...Damnit.

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!

If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.

What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.

Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.

A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”

Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.

What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.

"Snowball"

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.

– Shel Silverstein

I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.

Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.

How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.

It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."

Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*

The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.

The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.

Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"

Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.

It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.

How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.

I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!

I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!

Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?

(Laura Loo)

It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'

Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.

I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.

It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.

"Dog and Pony Show"

Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!

– Denise Rodgers

Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!

- Denise Rodgers

Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)

My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.

An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.

Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.