Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.

It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.

What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.

Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.

It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.

A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.

(Anonymous)

Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.

What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”

I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.

"Who’s In?"

“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”

– Elizabeth Fleming

According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.

This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.

This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.

It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.

(Kevin Nishmas)

GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.

BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.

GF - April fools day!

BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.

Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.

Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.

Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.

Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!

(Catherine Pulsifer)

What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation

My drinking team has a bowling problem.

A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.

I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled

- Paul Curtis

I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”

Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.

Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?

There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.

(William Robinson)

What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.

Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.

It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.

What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.

If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.

This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.

I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."