The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.