It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.