Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.