How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.
I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.
“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.
And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!
Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.
I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!
(Ilene Bauer)
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.