"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.