My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.