It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.