What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!
Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!
...
People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!
(Charles E. Carryl)
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.