What’s black, white and red?

A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.

Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

"The Attraction of Levitation"

“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;

“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.

“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;

“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.

“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”

– H. G. Paine

Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."

Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."

Me: "But you said I had 3!"

Genie: "Sue me."

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.

Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.

My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.

What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.

A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.

How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.

The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!

(Unknown)

It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.

Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?

A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.

Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.

(Kevin Nishmas)

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.

(Shel Silverstein)

Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.

If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!

Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.

What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.

An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.

Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.

Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.

We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.

(Anthony Gallagher)

What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.

There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.

There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.

What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.

How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.

A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?

There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.