How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."