There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?