Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.