I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?