A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
"Night Noises"
My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.
It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.
A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!
At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."
– Alan Balter
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
- Max Scratchamnn
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!
(by Robert Z)
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.