Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!