What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
"I Hate Peanut Butter"
These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!
– Innarenko
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."
Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.
Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.
(By John P. Read )
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!