Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor
Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply
I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming
In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'
Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?
- by Jenna Logan
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.