Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.