What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.