Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."