You know what they say? Words.
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!
(by Robert Z)
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.