There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.