Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.
When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.
After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.
Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”
At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.
And there’s him lying naked on the couch.
"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser