When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.

Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!

(Larry Huggins)

It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.

Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.

What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.

Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read

If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you

(Horst Winkler)

What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."

There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.

Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.

There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.

It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!

Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.

There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.

Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.

It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.

Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.

What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"

You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.

It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.

GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.

BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.

GF - April fools day!

BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.

It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)

What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you

(Anonymous)

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.

It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.

It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.