Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.