Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer... but apparently no one will do it.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas