A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"
So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."
So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"
So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!