“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users