Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.