Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.

After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.

My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.

What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.

Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.

Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.

Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.

(M. Tarun Prasad)

- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!

Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!


Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly

(Jan Allison)

The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.

What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.

What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.

What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.

The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.

It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.

There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.

What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.

I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper

You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.

(Unknown)

Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!

Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.

A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.

Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.

It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.

Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.

Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.

What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins

"Grandpa’s Nose"

Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born

I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.

– Judy Valko

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!

What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?

You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.

There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?

Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!

Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.

Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.

Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.

Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.