It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
"I Hate Peanut Butter"
These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!
– Innarenko
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.