How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.