There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup
Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north
Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon
Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book
Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg
(Mike Gentile)
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.