For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.