Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!

(Abby Jenkins)

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.

After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin

I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper

Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.

"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time

Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.

(E.B White)

How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.

Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.

It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!

here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.

I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!

Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.

What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you

An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.

Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"

Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."

A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.

Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.

Constipated people don’t give a crap.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store

If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?

You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.

My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.

It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"

Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.

Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”

It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.

It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.

I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.

Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!

Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.

There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.