Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.