It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.