When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.