This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
"If I Were In Charge Of The World"
If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.
If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.
If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.
If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.
– Judith Viorst
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.