You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.