When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.