What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!